I could hardly believe it had been so long since I last wrote on here. There was a time when I would get on here and write out everything that was bogging me down... and I'd feel so much better once it was out.
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I'm sitting here on my sofa as two little girls play with Play-doh to my right. ("Aww..num num num. Susan, look how big my popsible is!") The best part of my job is that I can play all day - and snuggle whenever I'm in need of one. The hardest part is right now - the time of day when I can barely keep my eyes open, yet don't want anymore coffee at this afternoon hour.
I have a dinner tonight with all of the moms that I work for. There's a reservation for 10 - I guess my little summer job of '03 with 4 kids has truly exploded into a full-blown preschool a la Suzanne. I can't help but wonder what they'll do come December 14th when I have my last day with them all. I've been with these same little ones since they were carried in slings, toothless and whiny. Not only that, but I've been with them for 8-9 hours a day! Now I can't wait to be in NY - and it's only 3 months away!! yipee.
Enough about the job. I've been doing a bunch of freelance artwork for different bands and acts. Right now I'm working on the logo/design work for a comedy tour supporting hurricane Katrina. It's the second time I've helped this guy out - but, I really don't like his ideas. Sounds awful, I know - but, it could be done SO much more interestingly... But, that's why I'll never go into this as a profession - I just don't like some of the ideas people have... yet they insist on them. Maybe I'll throw a copy of the final product on here when it's done. (I can't wait for it to be done).
Well, I'm off to safety pin my eyelids open so that I can earn the rest of my pay for the day.
It's really funny when you write on here, and the powers of the universe decide that they want it all to disappear before you've allowed it to survive on its own.........
Anyway, I saw my face on a journal today. Not sure why I even went there - maybe because my five-year reunion is happening this weekend, and I wanted to see what was happening, as I won't make it. But, there was an allusion to the idea that I WILL be there... which will no doubt lead to a conflicting reaction... All of this drama - anticipation - fury - leading up to ........... silence.
Sometimes silence leaves a bigger impression.
Anyway, it's impossible not to think back to my years at that college. A college where they stare at you if you look different... wouldn't they get their kicks seeing me now? This arty chick that used to be the president of her snobby sorority. All of those eyes peering over glasses, glaring at my silly outfit. I'm not going to miss much this weekend. As my mom packed for her reunion - same college - same weekend - different year, obviously....she asked, "what should I wear to the dinner? You know how they are - you have to look good." Yeah, I know how they are, and I'm glad she's dealing with it and not me! Although, C has taught me a LOT about being who I am - and not worrying about everyone else... So, I'm curious about how I'd be now.
My rehearsal is a week from right now. Pretty scary!! And, hence, this will most likely be my last entry on this journal. I will no longer be "suegrow" you know.... I'm so excited about our wedding. My only wish is that I'd had the chance to invite more people than we were able to. I can think of a bunch of people I'd love to be witness to such a beautiful (although, if it's rainy, I won't care) day... not excluding you, littlebill . I really wish you could be there. But, I'll share all of my pics/video with you when I get out east!!!!
Which, I also can not wait for.
Anyway, I'd better go get packing..... The gargantuan change I'm about to go through hasn't hit me, and I doubt it will until I get to Rome in a few days........... then I'll be like..... "WHAT?!?!" ha ha. How strange marriage is when you really think about it.
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5 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING:
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1. Drawstring linen pants
3. toe nail polish (sort of)
4. black tube top
5. two pony tails
5 THINGS YOU CAN SEE:
1. my laptop
2. red drapes that replace the french doors on days like today
3. fresh tulips on the table
4. my fireplace
5. the place card project I'm working on
5 THINGS YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW:
1. thinking of answers to these questions
2. watching Dr. Phil
3. worrying about my shower this evening
4. biting my lip
5. taking a break from the place cards
5 THINGS YOU ATE IN THE LAST 24 HOURS:
2. sundried tomato whole wheat ravioli with pesto
3. Blue Sky Cola
4. toast with peanut butter and jelly
5. about 8 saltines
5 THINGS YOU DID SO FAR TODAY:
1. sat in the sun in a feeble attempt to get a tan before the wedding
2. finished two tables worth of place cards
3. bought iron-on letters and t-shirts
4. found enough change for a grande nonfat latte
5. talked to Corey on his way to work in
5 THINGS YOU CAN HEAR RIGHT NOW:
1. lots of birdies chirping
2. a kid yelling in the neighborhood
3. Dr. Phil's southern accent
4. an airplane overhead
5. a car in the distance
5 COLORS YOU CAN SEE:
1. Salmon (my futon cover)
2. Merlot (the drapes)
3. Blue (sky, no it isn't always raining in Seattle)
4. Green (my bamboo growing on the mantle)
5. Tan (my puppy napping on her bed)
5 THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD:
1. I wonder what dinner will be like
2. I'm jealous of Billy's avacado....Mmmm.
3. I really should shower at some point today (scum!)
4. I need to start working out immediately!
5. I can't wait until the wedding!
I just read an entry by littlebill , and was thrown back into my small town life in Rome. I can remember casual Saturdays, going to the community art center full of yawns - drawing in the most relaxed atmosphere imaginable with the most talented Romans... I realize how lucky we were, especially since completing inner city art school. I can remember the day that Billy explains, sitting on his porch. So laid back and unwound. After 3 years of Seattle, I've realized how I long for those days again. Having the land, the space, the ability to sit and wave to the neighbors as they walk about the neighborhood... all from a rocking chair with coffee in hand.
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On this steel-gray morning, she sits and stares with shoulders falling forward, stomach reaching thighs, knees bent. Her chest fills and empties causing the only movement in the room, except for the occasional eyelash-clap. She imagines her breath lifting and spinning, creating the same oneness as the incense in the sanctuary, joining the sea of other-breaths and God's omnipotence. Within that sea, there is no difference, no segregation, no separation.
Though her head remains still, its contents are a cyclonic blur of memories and would-be's and can't remembers. Her fingers raise to her forehead, causing the dog to glance upward, tail wagging once.
She knows that the void is coming to a close. is that why i'm scared? The void has never been closed before. The change is overwhelming. She wonders why they always say "nothing's going to change. we'll still be us." true, but, then why do I know there'll be a difference?
She remembers times, runs to escape them, only to be barricaded into remembering more. All of the things that she thinks she's missing. i am. But, she isn't really. All of the things that seemed right. they were. They weren't. Fruitless obsessions, blurred by merlot and cheap beer, appearing so romantic. So spontaneous. So bad, yet good.
Obsession. Not with people, even. With the feeling of ok-uncertainty. And, when all of a sudden life is certain... Well, where do you go?
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Weird. Life. Isn't it? So, I haven't had a drink since New Year's Eve, which is really good. And, I explained things to my sister, which is even better. And, when I sit down and think about it - it really almost makes me chuckle. This thing, this liquid... Why is it that people make such a big fuss over it? Is it because it's mind-altering? Because it "relieves" stress?
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I'm taking a yoga class right now, and in it we've learned about reality, and how most people don't use their minds properly... For instance, if you ever sit in bed and think to yourself, 'come on, get out of bed... if you get out of bed and go running right now, you can get a latte on the way to school..' Did you also every think to yourself, 'who is this that I'm trying to convince?' It implies that there are two 'yous.' One that is thinking rationally (come on, get out of bed..) and one that is going against everything the first is trying to convince. The trick is to always go along with the rational voice... i.e. don't get pissed when someone says your painting isn't quite right... As you learn to do this, the second, irrational, voice slowly silences, but not without creating a lot of noise on the way out.
So, as I think about this - I realize that my emotions mostly come from the irrational side of my mind. I get really pissed when things don't go my way. I'm hurt by the things people say and/or do... and, my irrational mind makes things up, and creates evidence to support them.
So - drinking, in a strange way, is a silencer. It quiets the other voice (temporarily) - only to make the voice come back louder and stronger in the morning. Yet - people gather inside certain buildings and pay lots of money to simply sip on this liquid.
The whole thing is so strange.
Don't even get me started on the whole "you change your clothes at night just to slip under some fabric and lay down on a giant flat surface" thing...........
Happy Valentine's (and Susan's birth)Day!
I've loved you since the day I saw you standing there in your tan corduroys. The same tan corduroys that I fold and put on your shelf today. I've loved you since you shared your green tea and stared into my eyes as we listened to your life put to music. Since you touched your hand to mine as we sat with our backs against your bed...in a house that we can no longer visit. I've loved you since I ran out and drove home with tear-filled vision as the sun rose, knowing that you were leaving. The depth of emotion that I feel when I think of you has continued to grow, and with every thought of what's to come, the tears well up out of disbelief. My life has become more than just a mechanical movement now that you share it with me. It's more than a novel, more than a vacation. It's like the moments during the creation of a masterpiece, the moment of realization that you can sleep in. It's like pajamas and hot cocoa after hours of snow. You make me me, and my every day complete. I love you, my love.
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It's just five months and four days until I am married. Five months and four days until unprotected sex is... well, ok. Five months and four days until I become one with the person who most impacted my life, my thoughts, my dreams and my emotions. In a positive way, I should add. Plenty of people have impacted my emotions, life, etc. in a negative way. We need not talk about those people anymore.
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I've been thinking a lot about my life. This happens every couple of months - I sit back and ponder who I used to be, how I've changed... if I need to change some more. I had an experience on New Year's Eve. An experience that I have had before, and one which created similar results. We went out in Manhattan. Open bar all night. You can imagine how the combination of open bar and Susan goes together. Well, it was the epitome of embarrassment. Even in the middle of everything, I was embarrassed - yet, there was no way of hindering my actions. The most bizarre combination of knowing...and lack of control. I almost lost him that night, and I wouldn't have blamed him. What an idiot I am.
I threatened to just walk to the train station at 3am.
I almost went upstairs in a strange hotel with a strange man just so I could relieve myself. Heh.
And, instead, I peed on the sidewalk and on both of our pants.
That's not all. But, I don't want to talk about it anymore. Just enough so that whoever reads this will understand that this is serious... and, this isn't the first time. He and I talked about it, and it makes both of us sad to think that it didn't skip a generation, at least in my case. We enjoy having a drink together. But, the unhappy reality is that there is no such thing as one or two drinks, unless our fridge is empty, and I'm too tired.
So, having said that.. I'm not going to drink anymore. This will be the hardest thing, and it has been attempted several times, but this time there's no question. I'm aware, and that's the most challenging part. What will happen when we're all together and someone cracks a beer? What about when we meet friends out at the bar and get a free pitcher? How about when the girls get together for some wine? Well - I'm going to have to find a safe alternative. Water with lemon is what worked for 3 years. Perhaps that will be it again.
Regardless, happy 2005. Thus far, I haven't had a drink. That would be a lovely anniversary, wouldn't it?
With much love - Susan.
So, I'm getting married!! Something I've always anticipated, yet never fully envisioned until now, and I'm SO excited. Everything is pretty much set - the date, the church, the ballroom. I have my bridal party set (after some panic and problem-solving). I've decided to hand-print our invitations. $400 for the paper (yikes!) - but, it's gorgeous, and will be such a privilege to print on, especially after the paper that I've been "affording" for the last 3 years. They'll be here in 3 days! Now I just have to finish etching the plates, and we'll be good to go!
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Halloween party tonight at Chris and Noelle's. Should be fun - everyone's dressing up. C and I still have to venture to the thrift store and get outfits. what should I be? hmmm....
Otherwise, everything's just crazy and hectic... As I sit in bed on the laptop watching a dumb movie. ha ha!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!! HOLY COW!!! (smile)
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I haven't written in a while. And, I hesitate even now.. I'm different than I was. Right now, in my life, things are working together, and I feel a sense of pride and comfort with where I stand.
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In full swing planning my big show for May. Prints and paintings are coinciding nicely... I can hardly contain my excitement, but I do. Just took me 3 years to prove to myself that I can. And, I am.
We sit here on our hands as we feel the tug of the east. Soon enough, don't rush. We'll be somewhere more appropriate, more aligned with ourselves. Ourself. Do you know how incredible it is to wake up everyday and know that there is nobody else in the entirety of the world you'd rather be next to?
So, here I sit... Back in Seattle after such a relaxing trip to my family's cabin on Raquette Lake. It was more difficult this time to leave than it has been up to this point. At least I was able to see everyone in my family - that was a blessing in itself. My nephew is getting so big now. I just feel like I'm missing out on something very special being 3000 miles away. A kid is only a kid for so long, you know?
I'm teaching a lesson today. We're focusing on landscape right now - anything to break her of suns and moons and stars (that's all she feels confident doing right now, at 13). So, we both did a landscape over the past two weeks, and I think we'll do one more before moving on to something else... still lifes maybe? :) Susan likes those.
We found a church here in Shoreline... It feels good to be back into that routine, I didn't realize how much of an impact it has on my life... and, for the first time it was a conscious decision to go...just for ME. Not out of guilt, not out of fear. Just out of curiosity. And, the church we found is awesome. It's just awesome. There's a full band - brass section, hand-percussionist, drumset, electric bass... you name it, it's there. It's pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself. Ok, enough of the church babble.
I'm extremely jet-lagged, my body is on some weird schedule, since it never totally conformed to East Coast time, and has yet to get back to West Coast time - it doesn't know what's going on. What a weird feeling. But, it could be worse, I guess. C, Becky, some other friends, and I are going to see some Qawwali music tonight. It should be really cool - It's Pakistani spiritual music (pretty meditational, I think)... Check it out - cool music.
I'd better go shower. The day's wearing on.
Oh, before I forget - I saw what you posted on your site, and I don't think it's cool. It's been two and a half years - get over it, and please respect our privacy. Thanks.
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All of a sudden everything is so disconnected in my life. At a time when things should be falling together. I have all of this hurt inside me today, and it's a simple result of the separation between different aspects of my life... Things are happening - good things - but, I feel them and experience them alone. "It's good to have your own life still." Ok, recognized. But, sometimes there should be a mutual satisfaction from one moment or another.
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I leave on Tuesday for my 8-day vacation, and I feel as though I haven't spent any time with my boyfriend in the time since he returned from his vacation. That hurts. I have an obligation today, and I wrongly assumed we'd be able to go together. He made plans in the mean time (the time between when I called him and he finally called back) - and now I have to drive an hour away alone for something that would be so much more enjoyable (for everyone involved) if he were there... On our one night to actually be together. Now we won't be until late, and then ... well - we'll just need sleep by then.
It's Vera's birthday. She's 2. I have a party to go to now.
I've been thinking about the things in my life that were displaced for some (consciously) unknown reason. The fact that I can never remember if I've 'seen that movie' and will even sit through its entirety again, never realizing that I've been there, done that. How I can meet someone I've already met before and swear to Heaven that I've never seen them in my life, well, maybe in a picture once or something. It scares me sometimes. I'm young to be forgetting. Aren't I?
I just remembered a girl that I rivaled in highschool. No, she didn't attend my school. In fact, when I met her, she was already in college - playing on the Salmon River hockey team illegally. Her name? I couldn't tell you - all I know is what I deemed her to be: Pink Stick. She was no doubt the fastest, most agile girls hockey player in the area. And, although I wasn't big - I was quick and agile, as well... and when we met face to face - well, that's what makes hockey....well...hockey. We were equal...despite a slight age difference. And, I'll never forget how stupid she looked with flourescent pink hockey tape on the heel of her stick. I mean, as a girl, playing hockey is the closest you'll ever come to being male... why ruin that experience with a dainty accessory?
Regardless, Pink Stick and I battled head to head (or, stick to stick, hip to hip...) for at least two years. I remember the last time we were up against each other... She took a shot from center ice, I intercepted it - and took a break away........ I remember it in slow motion - the jerseys flying blurrily past me, the sticks hitting my shins. I can feel the wind on my face and hear the sound of her skates cutting through the ice almost in sync with my breaths as I cruised toward the goalie, solo. My stick went back and up...and...wham - score. As she skated past me she muttered...bitch.
After the next dropping of the puck, my confidence was soaring. I knew I was one-up on her today. I won the drop - a pass off to my right wing, and I skated as hard as I could...puck back to me again...toward the goal. I heard the crowd yelling my name... I saw my teammate whizzing around to the left of the goalie, and went for a pass. Just as my stick pulled away and began to return to the puck, my skates flew out from underneath me. The puck was passed - slowly, but successfully - and I lay on the ice, motionless. I couldn't feel the lower half of my body. Pink Stick's pinkness was caught in the underside of my skate (where she had tripped me). She yanked and pulled, jerking my straining body around. No call was made. The crowd was furious. I was furious. I squirmed toward her, trying to nab her with my own stick - to no avail. The period ended, and I lay in agony on the ice.............had to be carried off into the locker room where it was decided I had pinched a nerve in my hip. As I was wheeled back into the arena, I stared through the glass at those (sore loser) hockey players....and read their lips as they said, "how'd that feel?"
Man, I miss those days. I miss those feelings, and lack of feelings. It's been 8 years now since I last skated. Ha. What a vision I must be now.
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It always amuses me when a wedding comes around, because for everyone involved, the entire day centers around it. It's that unspoken feeling that surrounds such a ceremony. It doesn't seem like anything should change, but it does.. unexpectedly. So, my friend Eric is getting married tonight, and I spent the day shopping, with another friend named Eric, to get ready for it. Now it's 2:20, and here I sit until I leave here around 6-ish.
My dress is so cute, I went to the store and found it all alone on the clearance rack for $12. I guess it must be a "susan dress" or something, because I absolutely love it, when apparently nobody else did. It's a simple strapless knee-length black dress with little white polka-dots all over. Of course I threw in a Susan twist and will be wearing hot pink patent-leather shoes, with a matching clutch purse. How could I go to a formal event and not have fun with the dressing-up part? Everyone gets so stuffy at functions like this...but they don't have to! I even talked Eric into wearing a dark peach colored button-down. C won't budge - except for his yellow tie. And, that's fun. So, it should be an interesting event - I don't know who will be there, but they are a prominent Rome family, so I'm sure I'll see some familiar faces!
The dogs are sleeping on either side of me right now. I love when they get sleepy. There's something to be said about anything sleeping - it's so peaceful and snuggly.They're making me want to take a nap. Maybe that would be a good idea after having a nice Greek lunch...
I hope everyone's safe for the 4th of July. You know how dangerous those fireworks can be.
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And, here I sit... Muttering to myself about my beliefs... I wonder why it is that I surround myself with people who push the limits - cross boundaries that I think I have set up, when in all actuality they are only visible to me. You'd think that I'd attract people with similar thoughts/feelings... I mean, afterall, they always say "you attract the same as what you put out there." So... this makes me wonder. Do I put this other girl out there? Do I appear to be someone who would really push the limits? Morally? I don't think so. Because people know me, and they know the strength of my beliefs. At least, I think they do?
Long story short... There's a bachelor party going on right now. It shouldn't feel so bad. I mean, every guy, at one time or another, goes to/has one of these things... But, I guess I never incorporated that into my life. I never envisioned the person that I'd be with actually attending something so ... well - this is my thought on the subject ... degrading and sexist and . Ugh. I can't even write about it. Mainly because I know some people read this (on occasion). Grr. I've always been strong-minded, and when something isn't feeling right - there ain't no ignoring it... It has to get out as soon as possible.
This bothers me.
I've had way too many guy friends, and know way too much.
And, it's out now. Thanks.
*there is always sunshine above the clouds*
It's been so beautiful the past few days. I'm getting anxious for my vacation to my family's camp in the Adirondacks. I miss them so much, and seeing them at such a heavenly place is the greatest thing.
I've been reminiscing about the past lately... The summers in Rome, all of the fun, uninhibited times I've had. Those are few and far between now, and that scares me because of my personality. I keep thinking "when things slow down, I'll have a good time." But, things aren't going to slow down. This is life now. So, the challenge that's met me now is how to get over this, and still have an amazing life.
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I'm in a very awkward position right now..... When I threw on my bathing suit to sit outside - well... the next door neighbors came out and started gardening right by the fence. I guess it wouldn't be so creepy if it were a chain-link fence, because then I could see them, too - but, it's a tall wooden slat fence - with just quarter inch spaces between... You can see clearly to the other yard when up close.
I know, I'm overly paranoid.
Too much tv, probably.
I can't imagine my mornings without this great Tully's (or any other) coffee. I'm willing to bet it's more of a ritual than anything else, but there's something about the aroma (..."The best part of waking up..........is...") and then the heat of the mug in your still-sleepy hand...
My eyes flittered open when the comforter crinkled under her twitching paws. She was running in her dream, I'm sure, and I sat and watched her as my mind slowly caught up with my eyes...and I was awake. I looked over my shoulder at the clock - relieved to find that it wasn't too late in the day. There was still the possibility of the earth being asleep...or at least as sleepy as I was.
"Urbi," I whispered, and touched her forehead. She did just as I expected and nuzzled her body up to mine, wet nose to dry nose. Her eyes now opened, gazing into mine.
"Brown Bear." These words were louder. He was nestled on the floor: his favorite spot in the summer. Without hesitation, his head popped up, followed by the rest of his body as he flumped onto the bed.
Morning was here.
In a nutshell, that's how my morning's been thus far. Well - followed by coffee (smile) and neighbors. Actually, my horoscope yesterday said something about neighbors... weird. Let me re-read todays...
Look for the exquisite beauty that's all around you and see what benefits you could derive from this situation. Recognize others in your position. Share your recent insights. By giving help where it's needed, you bask in the immediate glow of altruism. You're also finding useful ways to pass the time until the plan that you've been incubating forever finally hatches.
Hmmm... Not sure what I think of the generality of that. Ahh well.
I'm off to enjoy the day.... a bientot.
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It's late in Rome now. C just called me from the bar - he's ready to go home, but has to wait for his ride - who's making a play at someone other than his girlfriend. How sad... living in a small town and trying things like that. Or, maybe it's the small town that does that to you? Who knows? I'm thankful for what I have, though... that's all I can say. I can't wait for him to come home.
I have the beginnings of a tan (applause). I guess I still have it in me - it's been literally years since I sat in the sun for any length of time...so I was certain I'd be crisp like a lobster after spending all day outside. Fortunately, I have the makings of a beauty queen now.. ok - so that's stretching it a bit, but I'm happy not to be hurting as I get ready for bed.
The sun just set a little while ago. I can't believe how long the days are right now - I stood outside and watched the blue turn to navy, and it was so gentle and peaceful. Unnoticeable, really, until I came inside and can no longer see the silhouettes of the trees. I love it here. Listening to the people outside of DeMatteo's made me realize the tranquility of the Northwest. There's a little bit of bustle downtown - but, it's all polite bustle. Each person waits for the sign to cross the street. There are no horns honking. It's really a gentle, quiet city...Seattle. well, in comparison to some (ahem) other cities! ha ha.
I started a new drawing tonight. It's a shell that I found at the beach down the road from my house. I broke out the Prismacolors and have every intention of creating a scientific drawing within the next few days... If I get enough of them started, I'll have the beginnings of a beautiful portfolio! Anyway, it's started, and that feels good.
Well, I'm gonna call it a night and jump in the shower. Another day of sunshine and heat awaits me, and I can hardly wait.
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It's 85 degrees - well, let me go check - ahem..my thermometer says 109 degrees, so it's safe to assume that it's somewhere between the two. I had a great day today - sitting in the sun all morning with my coffee and then cooking a great early dinner. I brought the huge industrial fan in from the garage and the dogs are napping in its breeze. It's been a good day for all of us. The hose included.
I did what I said I wanted to do, and put breezy curtains on bamboo in the doorway - and it pleases me as much as I thought it would. I tied them back with some gauzy strips, and I feel like I'm on an enchanted island. (smile)
The president was here today. It's strange to be from the east coast and live on the west coast - anyone who's tried it can relate, I'm sure. Nobody here likes the president, which, to me, seems like such a selfish way to live your life. I realize we're a democratic society, and I love that about our country, but it seems that regardless of what you feel - you should respect the president of your country. I mean, he's representing YOU - the least you can do is show some respect. It doesn't mean you have to agree with everything he does - but, seriously - get a grip. The world doesn't revolve around you. So - anyway - President Bush was here today... It was the first time in a LONG time that a president has made the trek out to Ft. Lewis - he did it, and it was a complete success. The news even said that Washington state is split between Kerry and Bush - which is very surprising to me. Washington state hasn't supported a Republican since Reagan. Maybe that's the reason ("everything happens for a reason") why I moved to Seattle: to learn more about my beliefs and politics... Ms. UNpolitical herself. Heh. It's funny, because I realized that I'm very conservative (a minority out here) - and always considered myself a liberal in NY. I guess compared to the hard-core Republicans there...ahem - my family...I am a liberal in a way. But, here - no way. I can't even discuss it with anyone in fear that I'll get my head bitten off. Anyhoo...
It seems to be cooling down now. Clouds are forming, which makes me nervous for a thunderstorm. It's bound to happen, right? With the heat of the day and all...
I'm getting excited to go to my camp in a month. Being there is the most heavenly experience in this world. I can't explain it - but, everyone who has set foot on that property (including the falling-down cabin) has never wanted to leave, and has ALWAYS wanted to return. No phone, no television... just walls, a gas stove, and a lake. I absolutely can't wait. I'll be there for a week. I haven't missed one year in my entire life, pretty amazing.
I suppose I'll go now. The clouds are setting in.
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It's been years since I've actually been "home alone" - I mean, the true sense of the words. Yet, here I am - and it feels as though I've never done this in my life. It's refreshing to know how much love I have for him, seeing how being without him hurts so much. At the same time, though, it does hurt. heh.
My doggies are asleep near my feet as I type, exhausted from the 90 degree heat of the day - as am I. The entire weekend will be comparable... I feel most at peace in that kind of heat. It's as though I was intended to be closer to the equator. There's something about being able to suffice without any extras - just (lots of) water... Shoes are too hot, not much clothing is tolerable, no McDonalds - just bare feet, a swimsuit and tank top, some strawberries and a cup of l'eau. I wish I didn't have this nice of a house sometimes - or that it was more open, more air flowing through - slight breezes tossing everything this way and that. If it were up to me, I'd live under just a roof - with drapes as walls, able to be opened and closed at will - a peaceful square of shade - maybe with a mattress and pillows (ok, definitely a mattress and pillows) - but nothing unnecessary. I'm crazy... at least that's what I hear. But, what can you do? Maybe I'm George of the Jungle? A psychologist could have a field day with my daydreaming.... remember RCH field days? This one would be better.
I'm going to start painting with my friend Claire, a 13 year old girl, soon. We talked today, she showed me a painting that she had just finished, and asked if I'd be willing to teach her over the summer. I'm excited, but my inferiority complex tugs at me, strangely. I've always thought of art as the ONE thing I'm not inferior about... Guess I was wrong. I didn't know where to start with her - so, we're just going to get together and paint - both of us. That's how I work best - on the same plane. I'm feeding off of her inspiration, maybe we'll help each other.
And, so I end this ramble. I send peaceful prayers to Corey in Rome as he lays sound asleep near our old pup Fat Feet. Looks like I'll be writing a bunch in here over the next few days until my he returns home safe and sound................................. Goodnight void.
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